Session Dos

- Greet all new players politely.
- Shake hands with player of same sex.
- Bow or curtsey to musician of opposite sex.
- Kissing of hands not common but might be tried, however should definitely be limited to opposite sex unless you're trying to make a statement of some sort.

Session Don'ts

- Laugh behind your hands at any new player.
- Biggest guy in your crowd trips the newbie and then pretends his foot has been stepped on as you and the other oaves wipe away tears of laughter.
- Ask the visitor his/her name then say something like "I had a dog with that name once" loud enough for your buddies to hear.
- Never speak directly to the visitor again (except perhaps to ask him to move a few chairs down so your newly-arrived cronies can squeeze in next to you).
- Scowl a lot. Belch loudly and unrepentantly. Smoke if local laws permit.

Session Dos

- Play all tunes at moderate tempos.
- Try to choose tunes that most players would know.
- Smile a lot as you play.
- If a younger player is having problems, stop the session to assist him/her.
- Always remember that bodhran players are people too and have almost the same sensitivities as you do. Be gentle.

Session Don'ts

- Tune up to E and play everything at metronome-melting speed.
- If someone suggests playing a hornpipe, spit on the floor in front of him/her and growl like a constipated Rottweiller as you start yet another reel.
- If someone is having trouble keeping up with you, stop playing and say something like "I play no more music until that one [indicating the problem player with a trembling bony forefinger] is gone from this place!"
- Accidentally spill a pint on Melissa's dulcimer, then suggest that since it was her fault, she should buy you another one. During the distraction, have one of your cronies hide her hammers.
- Lure a bodhran player into the men's room by pretending you're having a heart attack. Lock the door from the outside and play loud to cover his cries for help. Work on your technique to see if you can trap more than one next time. Remember it's always open season, no limits, on bodhran players, and no license required in most states.

Session Dos

- Share tunes.
- Try to know tune names.
- If you're a backup player, be tasteful and remember you're not there to overwhelm anybody.
- Give everybody, even the novices, a chance to start a tune.
- If somebody asks you to sing or play "Danny Boy", do it. Gracefully refuse any money offered.

Session Don'ts

- Play only tunes that you and your buddies know, the more obscure and valueless the better.
- If someone asks for the name of a tune, tell them "I haven't a fudging clue." Glory in your ignorance. Make it seem like anybody who asks such an impertinent question can't possibly understand traditional music as deeply as you do.
- If you're a backup player, experiment with weird tunings and Thelonius Monk chords from time to time. Announce that you think an F diminished in the third measure would improve "The Bucks of Oranmore" considerably and dare anybody to stop you from trying it. Tune your axe so you can do meaningless but persistent bass runs while everybody else is trying to ignore you. Use a railroad spike instead of pick so that everybody is goddam good and sure that you're there.
- If an unauthorized person dares to start a tune, pick that time to begin a conversation with somebody six chairs away. Laugh a lot - sincerity isn't important. Roll your eyes heavenward if the player flubs a note. Breathe an audible sigh of relief when they have finished. Add a comment like "...and I always thought that was an easy tune!" in a stage whisper to one of your cronies.
- If somebody asks you to sing "Danny Boy", throw up on his shoes. If he persists, open the bidding at fifty bucks. Stand up on tippy-toes when you hit the high note. Sing the second verse in Pig Latin.

Session Brats (folk music students)

Keep a baseball (or hurley) bat close by. As soon as one of these unspeakable Spawn of Lucifer launches into a WTWKPTF (weird tune, weird key, played too fast) hit him/her smartly upside the head with your Dissuader of Choice. Use sufficient force to get your point across but not enough (at least initially) to cause serious injury or death. May be accompanied by gentle verbal reminders such as "I don't think you should do that again" or (in California) "It really hurt me to have to smack you like that." Smile a lot as you say this. (For those concerned with the legal aspect of such activity, most jurisdictions in the USA recognize this as "totally justifiable assault" subject to no penalties whatsoever.)

All on this page written by Zouki reproduced with his kind permission.

Also read about The Spoons Murder.